What a week...

I found out about Ruth Gustafson (see 'In Shock') on Monday as I was getting some last minute stuff together at work so that I could leave for Orlando to attend the memorial service of sweet and beautiful little Ellie.

I don't think I've even begun to really process all of this. Tuesday morning, I watched a mommy and daddy grieve and hurt for the little girl they will never have the opportunity to see or hold again. And they had no choice in the matter. And, I thought of a woman who had every choice...and chose the option that will never allow her children to be held by their own mommy ever again.

Quite the...yeah, I don't even know the word. But it is surely a perversion of the way the Lord intended us to experience life and relationships.

Anyway, I know this news about Ruth would have shocked me at any time. It's mind-boggling. I can't wrap my brain around it. But, I think maybe the reason it is messing me up so badly is the timing with sweet Ellie's service and all that it meant to my heart to be there...which was so, so much more than just celebrating her life.

My life...the direction of my life was profoundly changed by Ellie's amazing grandmother. Jesus has asked so much of Nancy and Nancy has given what Jesus asked (her husband 15 years ago and now her oldest grandchild) with grace and humility and gentleness and all those other things listed in Galatians 5. So, having been so impacted by her and having watched her grieve this sweet, sweet girl...I have very little emotion left for Ruth but anger.

I hope that doesn't sound heartless.

Actually, I don't, really. It's the truth.

And, it's why I'm headed back to Florida tomorrow for her funeral. I know that if I don't go...if I don't take the time to work through whatever I feel about her or toward her, I will hate her for the rest of my life. And I don't want that. I want closure on this now. And, I pray that the Lord will grant me that this weekend.

My heart breaks for the people I know who loved her: Joe and the kids...Pastor and Miss Dana...Becky.

So, after this crazy week of mourning and loss and grief and celebration and rejoicing...

It blesses my heart every day to be able to check in on Nate, Tricia and Gwyneth and see how both beautiful girls are progressing and that the Lord is blessing them all with more and more days together. Continue to pray for them. And, read this post and join them in praying for others who are waiting on transplants.

And pray for me on these journeys this weekend. Really, I'm making two journeys, one of geography of the earth, and one of geography of the heart.

Love you friends!